Sooooo, a lot of my conversations seem to start with this very small word? I must be conscious of this as I always seem to type it ‘soooooo’! sometimes it’s even longer, as in sooooooooooo, as if I’m going to say something really interesting! I think that’s the whole point of my blog, I don’t feel interesting any longer (sad face). At 40+6 I seem to have become a nobody, Unless you’re talking to my , children, who I’m assuming think I’m a super hero, because of all the super hero Shizz I perform on a daily basis! Oh, and my husband, slash, flat mate, slash, bestie, slash, eye candy that I never actually get to touch,,,,, I could go on slashing but it’d get boring, you get my drift though.
I’m feeling like I’d quite like to pick up life’s pace a little; get out more, be adventurous, get back to the exuberant, crazy, carefree, Nelly, Everyone knew and loved (or loathed, I can be quite annoying). This is it, this is the beginning of the new me – Could be the beginning of the end but I’m aiming for the ‘new me’ , or just a little bit of the old me would be a bonus. One, cannot have run away with the circus, unknowingly appeared in a Chinese saucy movie and raved her way through the early 80’s to end up on the proverbial scrap heap of life, surely?
Sooooo, I’m guessing the Content could be anything from:
. Recipes, as I love food way too much, more than camper vans and thats a LOT!
. Socialising, Actually accepting an invite and turning up! ( harder than you may think)
. Travelling, id like to say this will show me donning a backpack, husband by my side feeling equally bohemian, but it’ll be far more exciting than that! Imagine all five of us, panicked lateness, forgetting passports, lost bags and a lot of running to catch various modes of transport.
. Some nifty interior design ideas, always on a budget! Sherbet pockets never have to leave you with a shifty home.
. Environmental issues, such a relevent and important part of all our lives.
.last but definitly not least, self care and self love, we are all amazing 🌸
So (see what I did there) if you’d like to tag along for the ride, feel free, I could reeaaalllly (must stop doing that) do with the support! You’re also guaranteed a laugh as I really am no good at most things!
It’s Monday, or is it Thursday? What bloody day is it??? I Really just want to know if it’s an acceptable day to have a nice glass of gin this evening – a slither of cucumber, a splash of exotic tonic with fragrances of the Mediterranean wafting up my nose? Now I know we shouldn’t be promoting drinking (someone remind me why?) more than the weekly safe limit but come on ‘WHO’ we need to up the limit, just for lock down please…. then I can convince my children that It’s actually ok for Mummy to get shit faced at least three times per week!
It’s now 12:44 and I’m laying in bed and I haven’t even attempted to leave! I’m watching the Goonies with ,Blu, whilst youtube searches are as follows:
1. How to get rich quick now!
2. A girls guide on how to build a bunker in a day, out of decking boards.
3. Quick and easy gin cocktails.
Blu boy is googling:
How to dry and spice his slab of meat – simple, no multi tasking just one serious subject!
‘Blu my darling, shall we stay here all day, just like when we were young’
‘I don’t think that’s a good idea Nelly, the goonies has nearly finished and I have to prepare my meat for tenderisation’
‘Maybe I could tenderise it for you, my hunky husband’
‘No Nelly, it’s a very tricky process which needs research and skill’
Now, if I wasnt sooooooo comfortable, I’d have pushed the request for a bit of ‘hows yr father’ (it doesnt happen very often with two chadults and a small one on constant nooky alert) but I was quite happy wallowing in my 900 count cotton sheets with no guilt and nowhere to go. I’m staying right here, as quite frankly I am absolutely sick to death of cooking 47 different meals per day!!! I have a body builder eating chicken and rice in variations of flavours and side orders , a flakey vegetarian who will only eat meat if there’s a ‘day’ in the week and, lolly, who is never hungry when anyone else is because she’s constantly stuffing chocolates in her pie hole!
I’m cleaning, cooking, entertaining, shopping wearing a mask that would have Zoro leaping for his sword! I’m armed with a bottle of four parts bleach, a pack of wipes and I look like i’m going to fumigate the local sewers on every, scary trip! I’ve had enough today! Today, I’m not cooking frustration with a side of exhausted – there’s obviously plenty of chocolate hidden in a safe place and some frozen fruit in the freezer for vitamins so get on with it my beautiful off spring!
We need days where we just say, fuck it, I need some time for me! Even if it’s just twenty minutes, dear Gods, we need it!
Now, what I’m trying to keep hold of here, apart from my sanity and my head hair during our lock in ( the rest of my body is growing quite well so no problem there as usual ) is that we would never be creating these lovely indulgent moments if we hadn’t been sent to our rooms and on lock down. Don’t get me wrong kids, I’d much rather be at the local country pup guzzling a fizzy cocktail, stuffing my face with Yorkshire puddings and realising we’re far too pissed to drive the kids home on this beautiful Sunny weekday (still no idea what day it is) but I’m not, I’m here with my beautiful, funny, extremely annoying, beyond filthy but oh so funny family and we’re safe, that’s where we need to be so why not do all these beautiful, gratifying and carefree activities!
Let’s make memories of our luscious lockdown!
Play with our children; I would usually prefer to poke my eyeballs out with a spoon but ive found a new love for board games! I’m also enjoy my new found love of poker! The game of drinking gin and playing poker with all my family is quite the Saturday night treat because we’re all together having fun, actually sat at the same table, laughing, flinging insults and generally making some fab memories… Lolly has quite the poker face and sunshine, it has become quite apparent that he’s played way too much in the past and a pretty good hustler.
The board games, aka ‘bored games’ – I know I said i’m quite enjoying them but sometimes they can take me to the very edge of my medication! Pop that monopoly board in front of the family and woawwwww that’s the quickest and most effective way to get them straight into the kill zone!!! We have cheating, pausing to check phones, popping to the kitchen to stroke the dogs, they’ll even go off in pairs!!! This isnt advised if youve had a stressful day, maybe default to a puzzle.
We could actually have a convo with our husbands/wives, partners, better halves….. let’s face it, life is usually zooming by at a million miles per hour and we barely have time for meaningful conversations with our nearest and dearest’
‘Hey my wonderful husband, Blu, fancy a coffee and a chat?’ ‘
‘Why, Nelly, what on Earth is wrong’ ‘nothing wrong Blu, why would you say that!?!?!?’ Just thought it’d be nice to actually talk to one another over coffee’
‘Have you been reading one of those groovy, love, marriage and codswallop guidance books again, if so they’re a load of bollox, Nelly’ ‘
‘Thanks for the chat Blu, really lovely, let’s regroup tomorrow same time, same place’
We baked various cakes and yes banana cake was on the menu! Why not, who eats the bananas anyway????? Thought so!
Do a Lycra clad workout with Joe wicks, we’ve loved it (if we wake up early enough) I’ve also been forced to do the insanity workout by the chadults and it’s not funny, infact it’s excruciating but the absolute bonus and what keeps me motivated, is the presenters wear very little clothing and sometimes even less when they get a bit sweaty so i’ll struggle along, hey ho…
You could Hold a zoom party with all the people you’ve been saying ‘ooh we must meet up’ with for the last five years, coz let’s face it, it’s the only time you will and you might realise that you actually could make more of an effort and have fun. Fiends are good for the soul once you find the right ones x
What I’m trying to say is; Make the days count and don’t count the days. Plan a cool day, even if that day is staying in bed and watching cheesy films, as long as it counts and makes you feel good.
We’ve had a family poker evening, in bad outfits… other wholesome activities are available!
Don’t count the days, Make every day count!
Treat yourself to some ‘ME’ time
Set one goal, however small
Stay in touch with loved ones
Do something you’ve been meaning to do for ages, you have the time!
Don’t worry or stress about what anyone else is doing, let’s face it, people only put their best bits on social media, we never see the full picture. We’re all struggling in our own way so be kind to yourself, ALWAYS!!!
know that you’re ‘safe at home, not stuck at home’ A beautiful quote by #TerryWaite, humanitarian and Author.
Like an absolutely standard, every day (once a month if you’re a smelly, smell to hide a smell, teen) daily activity, right? You just sidle up to the bath, de-robe, dip your toe in, temp is ok, swing the right leg in and the rest will follow; Now, submerge into a lucious warm blanket of rose scented bubbletasticness! That is not the case if you happen to be suffering with a debilitating illness…
Crohn’s, colitis and one of the, ‘only old people get it’ shitty afflictions, Diverticulitis! I, kids, am blessed with two out of three of said shitty afflictions and It ain’t no party at the place!
So one day I’m thinking wow Nelly, you’re 41 girlfriend and look at you, not the figure and beauty of Godess Hebe, but you are doing alright love.
Then, kaboom, I’m in hospital and no one has a clue whether I’m dying, lying or a have bad case of Flatus and all I need to do is let one rip!
I’ve been ill for five days straight and nooooo one has a clue what’s wrong with me!!! The rather dashing consultant (Actually he’s a flippin academic God from the land of Beauty and brains) starts asking me probing questions and all I can think about is that I may have a bad case of wind here, There may be a toxic airborne event going to happen at any minute and it’ll all be over and I’ll be on my way home. Suffice to say, I heard nothing of the important words he was muttering to me until he said:
‘so Nelly, is there bowel cancer in your family’
‘Yes Sireee Bob’ yes I actually said that through chattering teeth ‘
‘Has anybody in your family died from this illness’ no Sir Dr , they all lived well into their 100’s until their bowel exploded! Any further questions will only be answered once permission from my ears has been accepted as they have just closed for the day!!!
So for that VERY loooooong night, I’d resigned myself to the fact this was my lot!
I cried for myself, I cried for my children, family and I panicked about who would change the hand towel in the down stairs loo if I wasn’t there! I lay awake that night planning my Joyous funeral full of singing, beautiful eulogy’s and gin, whilst researching how to grow a successful marijuana plantation in Blu’s man cave! I once read about how the ‘erb’ magically Zaps Cancer into tomorrow and alakazam, you’re cured. Thank you Lord, this was all I needed! I put the funeral plans on hold and went full on design and propagation management googling for the remainder of the night.
The following morning, with my drawings, graphs and very complex plant lab design laid out on my bed, the consultant arrived with his team of juniors, waddling behind him like a frightened gaggle of nervous ducklings in shiny white coats.
‘Nelly, I have some good news, and some bad news my dear’
In that nano second, I had concluded that he is:
a. an absolute sadist
b. this very sick man, Is the actual ward janitor and hates his job!
Erm well dr, sorry I mean Mr what ever the fuck your name is!!! Could I have the good news first, I’m not sure I can take the suspense!!!
‘Well Nelly, you ‘ll be delighted to know it’s not Cancer’
I couldn’t speak for a minute (this was an absolute first btw)
what was I going to do with my pot plantation???
All that planning!
‘So Dr Sadomasochistic , what is wrong with me’?? Hit me with it as the suspense is literally killing me!
‘Well Nelly, the bad news is you have Diverticulitis and it’s quite prolific’
I had to have a think for a minute? Did he just tell me I have a diving condition and I caught it in the Pacific??? I’ve never been diving?
I went snorkelling in Egypt last year and went deeper than my snorkel allowed and choked a bit?!?!? OMG, I’ve got air bubbles in my lungs and they’ve travelled to my fricking bowel!!! it’s going to explode any minute, this obviously explains the sheer panic on the juniors faces !!!
So I’m still going to die and I won’t even have an excuse to plant my pot!!!
After the nurse wrestled me to the bed and gave me something to ease my panic, it became clear that I have In fact, landed myself with a type of bowel disease that can and will render me unwell at very inconvenient intervals in my life from here on out!
He did fail to mention that my business partner would get quite cheesed off with my occasional awol episodes and would Lead to the crumble six years ahead of my diagnosis. Couldn’t really blame her, she didn’t sign up to my illness, neither did I though! My family life will be disrupted, I’d spend days/weeks in hospital, Blu would become an on call carer and very bad hairdresser and things would never be the same again!
An attack for me can be as mild as a fart preparing for an anal salute to severe enough for an ambulance being the only option to keep me from pain far too much to bare and the possibility of a very poorly Nelly.
This wasn’t part of the plan God???
Who’s decision was this? This is obviously a mistake and I’d like my Old life back now please!!!
Although we are all going through the most horrendous, sad, difficult, worrying of times right now, we still need to remind ourselves of what we have and feel blessed for every day we are given. There will always be someone, somewhere far worse off than we are, keeping strong and fighting back. Life can and will throw us all curve balls, we just have to learn to adapt, make the most of every situation and opportunity we are given.
Physical pain we sometimes can’t control, but what we learn from that pain is the most important lesson we can take from it, as this is when we become IN-control.
Stay safe, Stay strong and keep fighting you beautiful people.
What I do during a flare up:
Sleep, my body needs to repare
Liquid diet for 2/3 days – water, broth, juice.
Low fibre foods on day 4/5
Heat packs and paracetamol (never any anti inflammatories)
Message my friends for support, never be afraid to do this, we need to not feel alone.
Accept help, it’s ok.
Plan what you might do when you’re well.
Don’t rush recovery, it’ll only put you back.
Most important, always seek medical help and correct medication if your symptoms aren’t relieved with these steps.
Www.mayoclinic.org is a great source of information
NHS 111 (UK) for medical advice
Slippery elm helps me after an attack to ease me back into a normal eating. I like this one
I recently noticed these beauties outside our local supermarket!
Yes kids, open air washing machines are a thing!!! Now, these may not be a new thing to hard core truckers driving across Europe with their smelly smalls, but for me, this looked like the most ridiculously, unnecessary concept I’d ever seen!!! I felt sadness towards whoever had this genius light bulb moment of an idea; because soon, very soon they were going to realise that their new venture has cost them their life savings and self-respect quite frankly!
“Look at those darling, who on earth is going to stand in the wind and rain, possibly a monsoon (as let’s face it we do live in the unpredictable climate that is the UK) to take part in that popular outdoor activity of ‘the weeks washing’??? Why do we need these in our lives???” I was quite hysterical when I laid eyes on them! “Why, Blu, pahahaha, who’s going to use them, stand outside in all weathers washing their Alan wickers in the rain? I shall laugh and heckle anyone I see using them because they’re ridiculous!!! Anyhoo, that won’t happen as no one will ever use them, ever” Gadget boy thought it was quite a snazzy, practical idea and didn’t see the problem with these gizmo gadget beauties…
Zoom forward four weeks, plus the demolition of my kitchen, and yes that is my smelly washing flying around that large silver drum, on show, in public, for all to see!
What a fantastic idea Blu boy, I knew they’d take off, hey Mum guess where I am, Poppy fancy meeting for a coffee at washtastic! I’m quite enjoying my new hangout, I’ve even convinced Blu to delay plumbing in the new washing machine; quite frankly, shoving a whole week’s filth into ‘Kola the Borehole’ is a darn sight easier than the everyday drudge I usually get involved in!
As with most things ‘Nelly’ there is a slight anxiety about washday; It can get quite competitive and the sprint for a free machine can be serious business.
Wash day is upon me, I load the washing into ‘mega bag’ and head off on my merry way. Feelings of joy in my heart as I drive toward the selfless act that is about to be performed for all of the Nelly brood! As I turn into the roundabout, I spot another potential washee with what looks like the weekly wash in his car!!!! Pedal to the metal Nelly, there’s no stopping me “MOOOOOOVE, I DON’T CARE THAT IT’S A CROSSING, OR THAT YOURE LEG IS IN PLASTER” Keeping the other potential washee within my sight, panic sets in; what if I can’t get pole position? The parking space in front of the machine is the only one close enough, otherwise I’ll have to endure the flip flop sprint, there’s no telling what might fall out of that washing bag!
Ok Nelly, scan for a space, scanning, scanning, that’ll have to do, it’s only a 30 second dash! Run Nelly, leave the flip flop, go back for it once you’ve secured your machine, oh fuck, why didn’t you put a bra on Nelly you unprepared bastard, just keep running!!! Now running, minus a flip flop, the girls are bouncing free and I don’t think I can run any longer! Ten seconds in, running with a week’s worth of washing and the athlete that lives inside my body, hasn’t shown up!!! I slow my pace to a fast walk which is visually akin to a duck on speed! I’m not a winner in life per se but today I’m definitely on a winning streak.
I load the machines, feeling very smug and Once I’d finally landed a parking space right outside the machine, my life was complete.
As much as I love these fab spinney drums of cleanliness, I would prefer to stay incognito. What if I see Penelope from the gym! She will forever refer to me as ‘washtastic girl’
Oh, sweet Jesus, it’s Dr Spoonk!!! What the fresh hell is he doing grocery shopping, Doctors don’t shop, they live in the surgery and people bring them food!!! We were only discussing my knackered bowel yesterday, what if he thinks I’ve had a terrible, messy accident??? Holy shit balls, the neighbours, fuck off, fuck off!!! Duck, Nelly, get in the Ikea bag!!!! They’ll hate me even more now, they’re already of the opinion that I’m a weird, gin guzzling, hippy who prefers to camp in the garden using the house as a cover for my pot plant empire – hang on, I am a gin guzzling hippy???
It’s never, ever too late to go for it! There is never a bad idea in life if you truly believe in it. I’ve had a bazillion ideas, inventions, business startups; some worked, and some fell flat onto their proverbial faces, but I never quit, I never gave up! Even when it feels like the whole world is against me, and anxiety is dealing me a rather shitty hand that day, I know tomorrow is a fresh new day.
Never let anyone tell, you, that your ideas, plans, hopes and dreams are foolish or worthless; If alfresco washing machines were just a dream, I wouldn’t have my hour per week to sit and contemplate life, write, or watch passersby staring quizzically at my underwear floating around; that’s the best bit! Someone had the idea, people laughed, but they went for it and look who’s laughing now!
I love my home; it’s where my family are, where we laugh, cry, love, grow and generally cause the chaos I adore. Second to the humans and animals, is my love of creating a beautiful eclectic space, filled with objects and colour that bring joy to my soul! However, there are a few rules when it comes to the interior of the crib: First and foremost,, don’t ever have an opinion, never EVERRRRR try to suggest an idea, no comments necessary , do not mess with the position of soft furnishings or furniture inside the sacred space. If you dare whisper the words, shall we, should we, what about this colour, Ive bought a; you will be obtaining your one way ticket and hopping aboard the blazing train to the netherworld, Hades will be waiting!
Now, for some strange sadistic reason, Blu, will Occasionally break these very important rules of the house and even though I become visually comparable to a rabid dog chewing a dishwasher tablet, He still feels the need to purchase and proudly present me with various items for the house! There’s the striped , dog-shite brown door mat in various shades of filthy! Just because its all shades or brown, it doesn’t complement the beautiful American oak stained floor Blu boy, we’re not hiding out with Bear fucking grills!!! Theres an amazon purchase of PAPER, yes paper, roman blinds. Said blinds are apparently destined for the window of the back door and apparently they are to obscure the view of the nosy neighbours! Now, the only possible way they could ever see into my back door (no pun intended) they would need to fling themselves, head first out of their top window, hang on by their big toe and contort their neck into a position only an owl could be happy with. Also, slightly hypocritical to suggest they would ever want to peer into our kitchen when it’s gadget boy, with the billion X zoom telescope, pointing straight through their upstairs window!!!
It’s Sunday, the decorator is arriving tomorrow and as per every day of our lives together, we’re approximately four weeks behind schedule for everything that has to happen in the next 24 hours !
“I’m off to the store to buy some paint darling, I’ll see you soon!”” Oooh wait Nelly, I’ll tag along with you” ” and me please, Mummy, I can have a go on the new indoor slide” “No my precious family, Mummy only needs paint and I’ll be straight back.” “We’ve got our shoes on already, we may as well tag along”. “Can I bring , Sirius, please Mummy?” “no Sweetie pie, tortoises and not allowed in the DIY store, they eat the plants!”
I can feel the rage festering, like a burning pit of fire in my knackered sigmoid colon and this Stress is a one way sprint straight to a flare up!!!
After arriving at the DIY store, I head straight to the paint, assuming my unwanted passengers are behind me! Where the fuck is he, ” Bluuuuu, Bluuuuuuu”, calling just loud enough to be heard at least two aisles away and I don’t resemble lost child!!! There wants to be an absolutely outstanding excuse for his disappearance, A very serious accident, life threatening illness or he’s at the wonderful In-store bakery purchasing one of their home made eclairs! These three excuses will be his only protection – I’ll ring him, 11 calls later I’m now pushing a trolly large enough to carry a small car and I Kid you not, there wasn’t one bastard fellow shopper willing to tell me it was a ‘pull along’ trolly! No fellow pissed off wives looking for their gadget obsessed, husband, to quietly whisper in my ear “hey you absolute arsehole, you are churning up the perfectly fine, flat, concrete floor pushing that thing around; Also 100% guaranteed to cause serious damage to the last healthy vertebrae in your spine and ruin what’s left of your dignity!!! ’ PULL’ woman, it says ‘PULL’ right there on the handrail!!! No one came to my rescue and 27 minutes later, with only one aisle covered, due to the draggy trolly, I decided enough was enough and parked it! I now have freedom and speed on my side and I needed to start covering some ground! Go to the obvious places Nelly, you’ll find him there, girl: BBQ’s, excessively large hand tools, army knives that have a fully concealed cutlery set, that’s where he’ll be!
I’m now sweating, there’s a steamy vaporous cloud wafting behind me from the stagnant, cold, sweat my unused pores created whilst trolly shoving, and I know other shoppers are steering well clear of this scarlet faced, raging maniac! As I conquered the corner of aisle eight, ( I’m sure this feeling is similar to that of Junko Tabei when she summited everest) – There he was, the blinkered gadget geek, checking out the latest laser levels! He was pointing, swishing, positioning and correcting with not a care in the world! The only thing you’ll be levelling with that laser pal is your straight line towards the exit of my life!!! Why do you need a laser line my manly husband? Why are you needing to have such expensive straight lines in your life? Is it soooooo important you need a tripod for your super manly laser, which in all honesty could blast satellites clean out of space!!! Apparently, It was forty five trillion pounds, down to a smidge under half price and you never know when these things come in handy!
“Is it ironic, Nelly, that the name of the paint you purchased is called “sulking room pink”
Blu thinks it’s hilarious,, suggests I can have it as my very own special pink room – “Ooh what’s wrong with you Nelly? Do you have a temperature? You’re looking very flushed, demonic looking actually! Breathe, Nelly, in and out; in through your nose and out through your mouth. Maybe a paper bag will help?”
After passing out cold from Blu’s suggestion of lime green in the kitchen, I realise one of a few things:
I adore my gadget obsessed infuriatingly laid back hoarder. without his hard work and complete dedication to everything, me, I wouldn’t be able to create my gorgeous home. He has the skills to pay the bills!
He’s shite at interior design but he does pay for the paint…
He’s a dab hand with the ‘power tools’ if you get ma drift
Who would do the dump run if he wasn’t around???
I don’t have many wise words to end this post with, other than always ‘pull’ when it is clearly marked ‘pull’ , stay calm and breathe, even if you’re boiling brain is about to explode from the unhelpful opinion of others and finally, never, ever let anyone tell you Lime green is a thing for your walls, other shades of green are available.
Instead I’ll leave you with some nifty tips I apply to help achieve a beautiful home And a space I enjoying living in.
Always have things around, YOU, like to look at. Never keep anything just because its ‘in’ or someone bought it for you. If your Aunty Pamela likes to look at China cherubs from the church bizarre , kindly suggest she puts them in her house for safe keeping.
I like to keep a colour scheme running through the house, keeping smaller rooms lighter to create an illusion of space and adding bolder colours to larger rooms for maximum impact.. Be adventurous and don’t be afraid to experiment.
Mix old with new, be eclectic with your ideas.
Lighting can make or break a room. No girl wants to be sat under a strip light while watching Love island, overdue for a chin wax!!! Lamps, soft lighting, plenty of natural light ( if possible) is a sure way to create a comforting look in all rooms.
If you get bored easily, keep your walls plain and accessorise with prints, texture and colour. When you become bored of last year’s Mexican theme, use those old cushions as ammunition for the whiney neighbours and go treat yourself to some new, fresh soft furnishings with a completely different feel.
Create the space for you (maybe include other people in the house if they insist), and no one else!
I know I’m not alone; Night time over thinking can turn up unannounced any evening, we all go through it at some point in our lives. Stressed at work, did I pay the bills, have I pooped today, did I go yesterday? The smallest of dilemmas can literally keep us up for hours with unwanted irrational thoughts. It can feel as though your brain has started a rave Don Diablo would be proud of and you are the only guest!!
Wide awake, its 3am , this always feels like I’m ploughing a very lonely furrow…
A typical night of overthinking:
‘Mmmm, What could my customer Susan have meant when she mentioned she’d just taken Bingo for a walk? Did she mean I don’t take my boys out enough??? OMG my poor neglected fur kids, they’ve only had 9 walks today, maybe I’ll take them now, it’s only 3am… I’ll take the rolling pin from the kitchen for protection, oooh and my large bottle of perfume to spray in the attackers eyes, maybe My Sunshine’s electric guitar, that’ll cause some damage. I won’t tie my hair back as pulling ponytails is a proven technique used by predators to administer immobility to 3am dog walkers!!! I’ll wear Lolly’s skateboard shin pads, I could land on my knees!
Oh bollox, their leads aren’t in the house, how will I open the garage door without waking the neighbours?
I wonder why the neighbours hate me, maybe because ‘Mr. Von Boo’ (dog no2) dug up his new fence post and shat on their new garden chair? Maybe because the blue wheelie bin was thrown into their front garden by the storm exposing the past weeks empty gin bottles, why do I always want to say ‘lady garden every time I say garden pahahahahahaha, stop laughing Nelly, you’ll wake Blu, that’ll be novel as he’s snoring like a wounded warthog right now, I hate you!!!.
I’ll take the empties to the tip next week. no, noooooo, I know why they hate me; 45 Fridays ago, I accidentally opened Mrs Judgy’s amazon parcel; I learnt a lot from that book, shall I wake Blu up and practice some of those positions suggested for the over 40s? No Nelly you’ll wake the kids and scar them for life, why wasn’t she elated I’d kindly taken her parcel in?
This is just one of the many open tabs in my brain after dark, there’s a superfluity of worries, concerns and stories going on, there’s still the problem of staying alive and saving myself from the inevitable assault by the crazed, repugnant, pie faced assailant waiting around the corner ready to pounce.
After analysing these concerns, the realisation that it’s now 4am has scared the bejesus out of me and as if by some magical wizardry, in a micro nanosecond, I am now convinced she was merely being polite and chatty, end of.
‘Ahh, she’s so lovely, she’s my favourite customer, she always keeps to her appointments and is soooo loyal, that girls loyyyyallll. I wish I was more like her, chatty, witty, you’re too quick with your presumptions Nelly.
What a relief I don’t have to leave the safety of the house now. oooh did I put the juice bottles out for Steve the juice man, what if he’s been squeezing, masticating; masticating pahahahaha and up to his eyeballs in vegetable peel all evening just to keep his promise of a delivery, because let’s face it, everyone else could have cancelled on him! I did, I remember, thank all the gods for that!
what if it rains, my foot hurts, oh god it must be cancer! ffs Nelly go to fucking sleep, get the lavender spray, spray it gurl, spray away the worries of the day, ooh sorry Blu, did I wake you???
If you go to sleep now, you’ll have exactly 3hours, 43 minutes and 11 seconds of sleep, well I won’t have the 11 seconds because I’ve been thinking this for at least 9 seconds so I’ll have to knock that time off the final count, now it’s just the 3 hours and 43 minutes, turn the fucking phone off Nelly, don’t look at the time!!!
Right that’s it, I’m asleep. ooh I really want to go to the new restaurant that’s opened up the road, it looks really posh, they serve the scrummiest gin cocktails I’ve ever seen! wait, it’s way too posh for me, what will I wear? It’s ok, I’ll buy something new tomorrow, but what if I buy something new and Poppy doesn’t like it? shes my style guru, maybe I’ll message her now, she can pick the message up in the morning and she’ll advise me on what to wear, but what if she wakes up now? She will definitely smash my face in with her gym shoe! I won’t message her now, I’ll do it tomorrow. –
*whispers in quietest tiny mouse voice “Alexa play wave sounds” “sorry I don’t understand” SSssshhhhhh you’ll wake the whole fucking house!!! *voice getting louder*Alexaaaaaaa play Waveeeeee, sounds, ‘I’m sorry I don’t have wavy sounds’ fuck, fuck, fuck you Alexa you noisy bitch!!!!!! Sorry darling, Alexa just started shouting, no idea what happened there? Go back to sleep my dahhrrling , I can’t sleep but you go back to sleep sweetie Sshhhhhhh, are you asleep, I’m still awake but just shut your eyes my precious boy as you have a very busy manly day tomorrow, I’m quite the busy girl tomorrow too, but I’m sure I’ll fall asleep eventually, do not worry – How do you do that you narcoleptic bastard, can you hear me, no, oh good?!!!!!! Ooh look it’s 5am!!!!!’
I think I’ve possibly got these night time shenanigans under control, although I still have this little rave turn up once or twice per month, generally when its THE week Scary Nelly appears!
Lavender spray/oil definitely works for me. Don’t think Lilly of the valley, think wavy, swishy lavender fields blowing the sleepy scent straight up your schnoz and into your snoozy brain, soothing away the day’s woes.
No screen time at least an hour, preferably 2, before bed. screen time is a massive saboteur of our needed shuteye.
Chamomile tea is so soothing, a proven sleep inducer and an essential in my cupboard.
Exercise is good for the mind, it can help reduce stress which is a common cause of sleep problems. You don’t have to hit the gym; a nice brisk walk will do the trick.
Read a book in bed.; this is guaranteed sleep for me. if everything else I’ve tried hasn’t put me into a coma, this works every time.
The bedroom is your place of solace, create your peaceful haven of tranquility. Make it a fluffy, schnoozy, peaceful, clutter free space that calms you. . This is your space, make sure it’s amazing…
What an absolute Mother trucking breakthrough for girls across England!!! Amika George, is an absolutely outstanding human being for starting this campaign and if I ever get the chance to meet you Amika, I will kiss you, hug you and squeeze you! Free sanitary products in all UK secondary schools and colleges, what an inspiration to women of all ages you are! Let’s face it ladies, periods suck arse as a bare minimum, but to have to worry about being able to afford sanitary products to feel comfortable and avoid the upset, worry and the complete devastation one would feel without these important and vital necessities, is beyond belief. We need to talk about periods to our children, husbands, boys and girls. Why is it such a taboo subject when we all arrived into this world from the same fluffy, warm, beautifully vermilion starter home where, our Mummas kept us safe for 9 months. PERIOD, PERIOD, PERIOD, PERIOD and PERIODS!!!
My periods started when I was 12. I was in the morgue at A hospital in London , and take it from me, A porter appearing in the dark, wheeling a ‘non alive person’ (I can’t say the D word) was actually the closest I ever wanted to come to ever seeing a potential zombie! Not a bad place to start your periods though, as upstairs in the maternity ward it was sanitary products central! Once I’d found a nurse, I couldn’t actually bring myself to approach her, let alone tell her what I wanted from her! The words would not exit my mouth? I was sooooo, embarrassed, how could I possibly tell this woman who delivers babies every day, who has seen more Fanny’s than Hugh Hefner and mopped up more blood, goo and slimey shizz than we could ever imagine; how could I say those words “I’ve started my periods and could I have a sanitary towel please” ??? If I actually say the words then she will know, she will actually know that I am Leaking from my lala! All I can say about hospital sanitary wear from the 80’s is ‘large absorbent pillow’ they were, the size of a feckin pillow! This amazing lady, who was incredibly kind, gentle and more importantly to 12 year old me, completely unfazed by this monumentous confession ( I will never forget you and will be forever grateful for your kindness) filled up a hospital bag with these things, full to the brim, overflowing infact – when I inspected the bags contents, there was possibly 5 towels in there, that’s how gigantuam (is that even a word?) they were! I’d had a giggle with my bestie, we stuck them on our head and I walked home, legs akimbo, so wide you could have driven a bus through them ,but I felt proud, proud that I had become a woman and happy my periods had arrived.
I told my Mum the next day, we made a special trip together to sids corner shop for our important purchase. Mum gave Sid the nod, Sid acknowledges the nod and was so slight of hand, those babies were off the shelf, in a brown paper bag out of sight so fast, it was as if it hadn’t happened? Was Sid also a magician? Why didn’t he ever let me in on his magical secret, I’d spent 10p daily on my mixup of blackjacks and custard creams, walked his dog and he still chose to keep this wizardry from me! Mum had a chat with me during our walk home which consisted of ” would you like me to show you how to use them” I can only compare the terror of that question to seeing the zombie porter in the morgue!!! That is never something I want or need you to do, thank you Mum, I’ve absolutely got this, Im an adult now for Christs sake!
After walking around for a whole week looking and walking like a sumo wrestler, I realised:
a. You don’t need to spend half the day weaving the lengthy piece of cloth around your waist like it was going to save your life in a climbing accident, it’s optional.
b. If it has a sticky strip, never, ever stick it straight onto the skin and repeat every few hours for the whole week, it burns.
c. Listen to your Mummy’s, they’re wise, they care about you and I can guarantee they too had periods.
Typical day for my 1980’s periods at home: Wooahhhhhh, body form, bod…… who turned the tv over? Where’s Dad? Why is he coughing so loudly, is Dad choking????? Why has Dad made a bivouac out of the evening standard and now drinking his tea inside it??? someone please help Dad, I think he dying!!
Typical day for our home now, with our girls:
Dad, please don’t sneeze like that, I’m on my period! Dad, rub my back please I have terrible period pains, Dad my head hurts can you pour me some water and grab me some paracetamol, Dad can I have a cuddle as I’m on my period and feeling really low, darling could you grab me some sanitary towels from Morrison’s on your way home (for as long as he’s been doing this one, we still always get a plethora of makes, models and sizes, it’s like the hospital bag all over again)
I am officially on Year 26 of my diet plan and I’ve decided it’s not working for me! I’m pretty sure that it wouldn’t work for anyone – that is apart from my bestie school friends, twins just to make it twice as bad, who had the metabolism of a hummingbird.
(If you’re not Ofer with the metabolic rate of this tiny little beauty, here’s some facts from www.natureformysoul.com) Hummingbirds have the fastest metabolism of any animal on earth. Their metabolism is 100 times faster than that of an elephant! Hummingbirds are also the tiniest birds in the world. Their brain consists of 4.2% of their body weight; the largest in the animal kingdom! They would daily, knock back two hotdogs in a roll that would give a professional eater a run for their money! Chuck on some fries, beans and a slab of chocolate pudding for afters and they’d start right there. As I’m a massive sheep, I did the same! The only issue with this for me was, I am not a hummingbird, I’m a slug!
Fast forward 35 years and I think it’s time to become a hummingbird.
Replacement Food Shakes
Tried those but I’m not sure my family would survive another stint of crazy, sweary, hyper (due to the ketosis and the fact that my body was actually eating itself) salivating, Mum. I licked things no one should lick, sniffed people eating, planned covert manoeuvres to extract food from the kids chins should they miss their mouth! Those demonic packets of powder should be avoided!
This didn’t last either. I went, I lost, I got clapped and cheered; back patting happened, hugging (people I have never met) all of this on the second week because I was the chosen one, the star loser in more ways than one! Quite frankly, the only thing i’d lost was the ability to sneak in, SAS style, get( humiliated) weighed, slither out undetected! If that isn’t an incentive not lose weight the next week, I don’t know what is.
I tried diet pills back in the day too. It seemed quite normal to rock up to a secret, shady looking door down a back alley, to be ushered in by a very wired, overly chatty assistant who was chewing gum so fast her lips were blurred. You was then weighed, given a wedge of tablets (basically speed) and told to return the following week. Week 2, IF you actually survived the week and didn’t get arrested for head butting anyone who dared to mention the D word or for innocently commenting on the break-neck speed you were walking around the library at, then you could happily hand over your next four billion quid and move closer to your dream new you; which was the deranged, slightly slimmer insomniac you’ve always aspired to.
The message here kids is this.
A. Dont diet
B. Eat healthy
D. Yoga and meditation for your mind body and soul
I heard the words “I checked the calender, and I was old’, last week – they exploded through my middle aged brain like a bomb! I felt the hairs on my arms (must get them waxed) stand to attention, my whole body shuddered and trying not to have a complete breakdown whilst listening to my (amazingly patient) husband , Blu, I felt sad, nothing but sadness for what I haven’t achieved yet and ‘wow’ ,where did the time go! I’m actually amazed I achieved the ripe old age of 40+6 because when I was raving in the late 80’s, which was anywhere there was a field that had a reasonable amount of electrical supply, I assumed 30 was going to be the age of my demise! I actually thought I’d still be raving at 30, I kind of was really as I had two children by then at 14 months apart and that was an absolute non stop partaaay! Soooooo, passing my personal milestone of 30 years old, was massive! I’m obviously invincible!
Things I will do to keep young:
Go to the gym, very late at night so no one sees me in my Lycra!
Get up an hour earlier – I’m not sure how this helps as I’m pretty sure I need more sleep now I’m old?
Write my age on my hand as I actually forget daily how old I am.
Play brain training apps, for 10 minutes per day (if I remember).
Try laughter yoga – I can imagine making myself look like a complete tit will make me feel younger.
Wear trendy clothes – I guarantee every time I pick up an item of clothing in the store, there’s a far more senior lady than myself choosing the same item of clothing.
Drink less alcohol – for me this is a tricky one as I adore a glass of gin! Maybe I’ll just cut back to every other day 🥳
Drink more fluids – does gin count?
T.B.C once i’ve achieved at least one of the above…