I recently noticed these beauties outside our local supermarket!
Yes kids, open air washing machines are a thing!!! Now, these may not be a new thing to hard core truckers driving across Europe with their smelly smalls, but for me, this looked like the most ridiculously, unnecessary concept I’d ever seen!!! I felt sadness towards whoever had this genius light bulb moment of an idea; because soon, very soon they were going to realise that their new venture has cost them their life savings and self-respect quite frankly!
“Look at those darling, who on earth is going to stand in the wind and rain, possibly a monsoon (as let’s face it we do live in the unpredictable climate that is the UK) to take part in that popular outdoor activity of ‘the weeks washing’??? Why do we need these in our lives???” I was quite hysterical when I laid eyes on them! “Why, Blu, pahahaha, who’s going to use them, stand outside in all weathers washing their Alan wickers in the rain? I shall laugh and heckle anyone I see using them because they’re ridiculous!!! Anyhoo, that won’t happen as no one will ever use them, ever” Gadget boy thought it was quite a snazzy, practical idea and didn’t see the problem with these gizmo gadget beauties…
Zoom forward four weeks, plus the demolition of my kitchen, and yes that is my smelly washing flying around that large silver drum, on show, in public, for all to see!
What a fantastic idea Blu boy, I knew they’d take off, hey Mum guess where I am, Poppy fancy meeting for a coffee at washtastic! I’m quite enjoying my new hangout, I’ve even convinced Blu to delay plumbing in the new washing machine; quite frankly, shoving a whole week’s filth into ‘Kola the Borehole’ is a darn sight easier than the everyday drudge I usually get involved in!
As with most things ‘Nelly’ there is a slight anxiety about washday; It can get quite competitive and the sprint for a free machine can be serious business.
Wash day is upon me, I load the washing into ‘mega bag’ and head off on my merry way. Feelings of joy in my heart as I drive toward the selfless act that is about to be performed for all of the Nelly brood! As I turn into the roundabout, I spot another potential washee with what looks like the weekly wash in his car!!!! Pedal to the metal Nelly, there’s no stopping me “MOOOOOOVE, I DON’T CARE THAT IT’S A CROSSING, OR THAT YOURE LEG IS IN PLASTER” Keeping the other potential washee within my sight, panic sets in; what if I can’t get pole position? The parking space in front of the machine is the only one close enough, otherwise I’ll have to endure the flip flop sprint, there’s no telling what might fall out of that washing bag!
Ok Nelly, scan for a space, scanning, scanning, that’ll have to do, it’s only a 30 second dash! Run Nelly, leave the flip flop, go back for it once you’ve secured your machine, oh fuck, why didn’t you put a bra on Nelly you unprepared bastard, just keep running!!! Now running, minus a flip flop, the girls are bouncing free and I don’t think I can run any longer! Ten seconds in, running with a week’s worth of washing and the athlete that lives inside my body, hasn’t shown up!!! I slow my pace to a fast walk which is visually akin to a duck on speed! I’m not a winner in life per se but today I’m definitely on a winning streak.
I load the machines, feeling very smug and Once I’d finally landed a parking space right outside the machine, my life was complete.
As much as I love these fab spinney drums of cleanliness, I would prefer to stay incognito. What if I see Penelope from the gym! She will forever refer to me as ‘washtastic girl’
Oh, sweet Jesus, it’s Dr Spoonk!!! What the fresh hell is he doing grocery shopping, Doctors don’t shop, they live in the surgery and people bring them food!!! We were only discussing my knackered bowel yesterday, what if he thinks I’ve had a terrible, messy accident??? Holy shit balls, the neighbours, fuck off, fuck off!!! Duck, Nelly, get in the Ikea bag!!!! They’ll hate me even more now, they’re already of the opinion that I’m a weird, gin guzzling, hippy who prefers to camp in the garden using the house as a cover for my pot plant empire – hang on, I am a gin guzzling hippy???
It’s never, ever too late to go for it! There is never a bad idea in life if you truly believe in it. I’ve had a bazillion ideas, inventions, business startups; some worked, and some fell flat onto their proverbial faces, but I never quit, I never gave up! Even when it feels like the whole world is against me, and anxiety is dealing me a rather shitty hand that day, I know tomorrow is a fresh new day.
Never let anyone tell, you, that your ideas, plans, hopes and dreams are foolish or worthless; If alfresco washing machines were just a dream, I wouldn’t have my hour per week to sit and contemplate life, write, or watch passersby staring quizzically at my underwear floating around; that’s the best bit! Someone had the idea, people laughed, but they went for it and look who’s laughing now!