Uncategorized · womens health

Today I bathed 🧼

Well this might seem

Like an absolutely standard, every day (once a month if you’re a smelly, smell to hide a smell, teen) daily activity, right?
You just sidle up to the bath, de-robe,  dip your toe in, temp is ok, swing the right leg in and the rest will follow; Now, submerge into a lucious warm blanket of rose scented bubbletasticness!
That is not the case if you happen to be suffering with a debilitating illness…

Crohn’s, colitis and one of the, ‘only old people get it’ shitty afflictions, Diverticulitis! I, kids, am blessed with two out of three of said shitty afflictions and It ain’t no party at the place!

So one day I’m thinking wow Nelly, you’re 41 girlfriend and look at you, not the figure and beauty of Godess Hebe, but you are doing alright love.

doing alright Love…

Then, kaboom, I’m in hospital and no one has a clue whether I’m dying, lying or a have bad case of Flatus and all I need to do is let one rip!

I’ve been ill for five days straight and nooooo one has a clue what’s wrong with me!!!  The rather dashing consultant (Actually he’s a flippin academic God from the land of Beauty and brains) starts asking me probing questions and all I can think about is that I may have a bad case of wind here, There may be a toxic airborne event going to happen at any minute and it’ll all be over and I’ll be on my way home. Suffice to say, I heard nothing of the important words he was muttering to me until he said:

 ‘so Nelly, is there bowel cancer in your family’ 

‘Yes Sireee Bob’ yes I actually said that through chattering teeth ‘

‘Has anybody in your family died from this illness’ no Sir Dr , they all lived well into their 100’s until their bowel exploded! Any further questions will only be answered once permission from my ears has been accepted as they have just closed for the day!!!

So for that VERY loooooong night, I’d resigned myself to the fact this was my lot!

I cried for myself, I cried for my children, family and I panicked about who would change the hand towel in the down stairs loo if I wasn’t there! I lay awake that night planning my Joyous funeral full of singing, beautiful eulogy’s and gin, whilst researching how to grow a successful marijuana plantation in Blu’s man cave! I once read about how the ‘erb’ magically Zaps Cancer into tomorrow and alakazam, you’re cured. Thank you Lord, this was all I needed!
I put the funeral plans on hold and went full on design and propagation management googling for the remainder of the night.

The following morning,  with my drawings, graphs and very complex plant lab design laid out on my bed, the consultant arrived with his team of juniors, waddling behind him like a frightened gaggle of nervous ducklings in shiny white coats. 

‘Nelly, I have some good news, and some bad news my dear’ 

In that nano second, I had concluded that he is:

a. an absolute sadist


b. this very sick man, Is the actual ward janitor and hates his job!

Erm well dr, sorry I mean Mr what ever the fuck your name is!!! Could I have the good news first, I’m not sure I can take the suspense!!! 

‘Well Nelly, you ‘ll be delighted to know it’s not Cancer’ 

I couldn’t speak for a minute (this was an absolute first btw) 

what was I going to do with my pot plantation??? 

All that planning!

‘So Dr Sadomasochistic , what is wrong with me’?? Hit me with it as the suspense is literally killing me!

‘Well Nelly, the bad news is you have Diverticulitis and it’s quite prolific’ 

I had to have a think for a minute? Did he just tell me I have a diving condition and I caught it in the Pacific??? I’ve never been diving? 

I went snorkelling in Egypt last year and went deeper than my snorkel allowed and choked a bit?!?!? OMG, I’ve got air bubbles in my lungs and they’ve travelled to my fricking bowel!!! it’s going to explode any minute, this obviously explains the sheer panic on the juniors faces !!! 

So I’m still going to die and I won’t even have an excuse to plant my pot!!! 

After the nurse wrestled me to the bed and gave me something to ease my panic, it became clear that I have In fact, landed myself with a type of bowel disease that can and will render me unwell at very inconvenient intervals in my life from here on out! 

He did fail to mention that my business partner would get quite cheesed off with my occasional awol episodes and would Lead to the crumble six years ahead of my diagnosis. Couldn’t really blame her, she didn’t sign up to my illness, neither did I though! My family life will be disrupted, I’d spend days/weeks in hospital, Blu would become an on call carer and very bad hairdresser and things would never be the same again! 

An attack for me can be as mild as a fart preparing for an anal salute to severe enough for an ambulance being the only option to keep me from pain far too much to bare and the possibility of a very poorly Nelly.

This wasn’t part of the plan God???

Who’s decision was this? This is obviously a mistake and I’d like my Old life back now please!!! 

Although we are all going through the most horrendous, sad, difficult, worrying of times right now, we still need to remind ourselves of what we have and feel blessed for every day we are given. There will always be someone, somewhere far worse off than we are, keeping strong and fighting back. Life can and will throw us all curve balls, we just have to learn to adapt, make the most of every situation and opportunity we are given. 

Physical pain we sometimes can’t control, but what we learn from that pain is the most important lesson we can take from it, as this is when we become IN-control.

Stay safe, Stay strong and keep fighting you beautiful people.

Love Nelly 

What I do during a flare up:

  1. Sleep, my body needs to repare
  2. Liquid diet for 2/3 days – water, broth, juice.
  3. Low fibre foods on day 4/5 
  4. Heat packs and paracetamol (never any anti inflammatories)
  5. Message my friends for support, never be afraid to do this, we need to not feel alone.
  6. Accept help, it’s ok.
  7. Plan what you might do when you’re well.
  8. Don’t rush recovery, it’ll only put you back. 
  9. Most important, always seek medical help and correct medication if your symptoms aren’t relieved with these steps.

 Www.mayoclinic.org is a great source of information 

NHS 111 (UK) for medical advice

Slippery elm helps me after an attack to ease me back into a normal eating. 
I like this one


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