Go to sleep brain!!!!!

Go to sleep brain… 

I know I’m not alone, night time over thinking can turn up unannounced any evening, we all go through it at some point in our lives. Stressed at work, did I pay the bills, have I pooped today, did I go yesterday?  The smallest of dilemmas can literally keep us up for hours with unwanted irrational thoughts. It can feel as though your brain has started a rave Don Diablo would be proud of and you are the only guest!! Wide awake, its 3am , this always feels like I’m ploughing a very lonely furrow. 

A typical night of overthinking:

‘Mmmm, What could my customer Susan have meant when she mentioned she’d just taken Bingo for a walk? Did she mean I don’t take my boys out enough, OMG my poor neglected fur kids, they’ve only had 9 walks today, maybe I’ll take them now, it’s only 3am, I’ll take the rolling pin from the kitchen for protection, oooh and my large bottle of perfume to spray in the attackers eyes, maybe My Sunshine’s electric guitar, that’ll cause some damage. I won’t tie my hair back as pulling ponytails is a proven technique used by predators to administer immobility to 3am dog walkers!!! I’ll wear Lolly’s skateboard shin pads, I could land on my knees! Oh bollox, their leads aren’t in the house, how will I open the garage door without waking the neighbours; I wonder why the neighbours hate me, maybe because ‘Mr. Von Boo’ (dog no2) dug up his new fence post and shat on their new garden chair? Maybe because the blue wheelie bin was thrown into their front garden by the storm exposing the past weeks empty gin bottles, why do I always want to say ‘lady garden every time I say garden pahahahahahaha, stop laughing Nelly, you’ll wake Blu, that’ll be novel as he’s snoring like a wounded warthog right now, I hate you!!!. I’ll take the empties to the tip next week.  no, noooooo, I know why they hate me; 45 Fridays ago, I accidentally opened her amazon parcel, I learnt a lot from that book, shall I wake Blu up and practice some of those positions suggested for the over 40s? No Nelly you’ll wake the kids and scar them for life, why wasn’t she elated I’d kindly taken her parcel in? ‘

Photo by Lukasz Dziegel on Pexels.com

This is just one of the many open tabs in my brain after dark, there’s a superfluity of worries, concerns and stories going on, there’s still the problem of staying alive and saving myself from the inevitable assault by the crazed, repugnant, pie faced assailant waiting around the corner ready to pounce. 

After analysing these concerns, the realisation that it’s now 4am has scared the bejesus out of me and as if by some magical wizardry, in a micro nanosecond, I am now convinced she was merely being polite and chatty, end of.  

‘Ahh, she’s so lovely, she’s my favourite customer, she always keeps to her appointments and is soooo loyal, that girls loyyyyallll.  I wish I was more like her, chatty, witty, you’re too quick with your presumptions Nelly. What a relief I don’t have to leave the safety of the house now. oooh did I put the juice bottles out for Steve the juice man, what if he’s been squeezing, masticating; masticating pahahahaha and up to his eyeballs in vegetable peel all evening just to keep his promise of a delivery, because let’s face it, everyone else could have cancelled on him!  I did, I remember, thank all the gods for that! what if it rains, my foot hurts, oh god it must be cancer! ffs Nelly go to fucking sleep, get the lavender spray, spray it gurl, spray away the worries of the day, ooh sorry Blu, did I wake you??? If you go to sleep now, you’ll have exactly 3hours, 43 minutes and 11 seconds of sleep, well I won’t have the 11 seconds because I’ve been thinking this for at least 9 seconds so I’ll have to knock that time off the final count, now it’s just the 3 hours and 43 minutes, turn the fucking phone off Nelly, don’t look at the time!!! Right that’s it, I’m asleep. ooh I really want to go to the new restaurant that’s opened up the road, it looks really posh, they serve the scummiest gin cocktails I’ve ever seen! wait, it’s way too posh for me, what will I wear? It’s ok, I’ll buy something new tomorrow, but what if I buy something new and Poppy doesn’t like it? maybe I’ll message her now, she can pick the message up in the morning and she’ll advise me on what to wear, but what if she wakes up now? She will definitely smash my face in with her gym shoe!  I won’t message her now, I’ll do it tomorrow. –

*whispers in quietest tiny mouse voice “Alexa play wave sounds” “sorry I don’t understand” SSssshhhhhh you’ll wake the whole fucking house!!! *voice getting louder*Alexaaaaaaa play Waveeeeee, sounds, ‘I’m sorry I don’t have wavy sounds’ fuck, fuck, fuck you Alexa you noisy bitch!!!!!! Sorry darling, Alexa just started shouting, no idea what happened there? go back to sleep my dahhrrling , I can’t sleep but you go back to sleep sweetie Sshhhhhhh, are you asleep, I’m still awake but just shut your eyes my precious boy as you have a very busy manly day tomorrow, I’m quite the busy girl tomorrow too ,but I’m sure I’ll fall asleep eventually, do not worry – How do you do that you narcoleptic bastard, can you hear me, no, oh good?!!!!!! Ooh look it’s 5am!!!!!’ 

I think I’ve possibly got these night time shenanigans under control, although I still have this little rave turn up once or twice per month, generally when its shark week!

  1. Lavender spray/oil definitely works for me. Don’t think Lilly of the valley, think wavy, swishy lavender fields blowing the sleepy scent straight up your schnoz and into your snoozy brain, soothing away the day’s woes.
  • No screen time at least an hour, preferably 2, before bed. screen time is a massive saboteur of our needed shuteye.
  • Chamomile tea is so soothing, a proven sleep inducer and an essential in my cupboard.
  • Exercise is good for the mind, it can help reduce stress which is a common cause of sleep problems. You don’t have to hit the gym; a nice brisk walk will do the trick.
  • Read a book in bed.; this is guaranteed sleep for me. if everything else I’ve tried hasn’t put me into a coma, this works every time.
  • The bedroom is your place of solace, create your peaceful haven of tranquility. Make it a fluffy, schnoozy, peaceful, clutter free space that calms you. . This is your space, make sure it’s amazing…
Lolly’s place



Period poverty!!!

Period poverty.

What an absolute Mother trucking breakthrough for girls across England!!! Amika George, is an absolutely outstanding human being for starting this campaign and if I ever get the chance to meet you Amika, I will kiss you, hug you and squeeze you! Free sanitary products in all UK secondary schools and colleges, what an inspiration to women of all ages you are! Let’s face it ladies, periods suck arse as a bare minimum, but to have to worry about being able to afford sanitary products to feel comfortable and avoid the upset, worry and the complete devastation one would feel without these important and vital necessities, is beyond belief. We need to talk about periods to our children, husbands, boys and girls. Why is it such a taboo subject when we all arrived into this world from the same fluffy, warm, beautifully vermilion starter home where, our Mummas kept us safe for 9 months. PERIOD, PERIOD, PERIOD, PERIOD and PERIODS!!!

My periods started when I was 12. I was in the morgue at A hospital in London , and take it from me, A porter appearing in the dark, wheeling a ‘non alive person’ (I can’t say the D word) was actually the closest I ever wanted to come to ever seeing a potential zombie! Not a bad place to start your periods though, as upstairs in the maternity ward it was sanitary products central! Once I’d found a nurse, I couldn’t actually bring myself to approach her, let alone tell her what I wanted from her! The words would not exit my mouth? I was sooooo, embarrassed, how could I possibly tell this woman who delivers babies every day, who has seen more Fanny’s than Hugh Hefner and mopped up more blood, goo and slimey shizz than we could ever imagine; how could I say those words “I’ve started my periods and could I have a sanitary towel please” ??? If I actually say the words then she will know, she will actually know that I am Leaking from my lala! All I can say about hospital sanitary wear from the 80’s is ‘large absorbent pillow’ they were, the size of a feckin pillow! This amazing lady, who was incredibly kind, gentle and more importantly to 12 year old me, completely unfazed by this monumentous confession ( I will never forget you and will be forever grateful for your kindness) filled up a hospital bag with these things, full to the brim, overflowing infact – when I inspected the bags contents, there was possibly 5 towels in there, that’s how gigantuam (is that even a word?) they were! I’d had a giggle with my bestie, we stuck them on our head and I walked home, legs akimbo, so wide you could have driven a bus through them ,but I felt proud, proud that I had become a woman and happy my periods had arrived.

I told my Mum the next day, we made a special trip together to sids corner shop for our important purchase. Mum gave Sid the nod, Sid acknowledges the nod and was so slight of hand, those babies were off the shelf, in a brown paper bag out of sight so fast, it was as if it hadn’t happened? Was Sid also a magician? Why didn’t he ever let me in on his magical secret, I’d spent 10p daily on my mixup of blackjacks and custard creams, walked his dog and he still chose to keep this wizardry from me! Mum had a chat with me during our walk home which consisted of ” would you like me to show you how to use them” I can only compare the terror of that question to seeing the zombie porter in the morgue!!! That is never something I want or need you to do, thank you Mum, I’ve absolutely got this, Im an adult now for Christs sake!

Doubles up as a nifty pollution mask when your riding your bike!

After walking around for a whole week looking and walking like a sumo wrestler, I realised:

a. You don’t need to spend half the day weaving the lengthy piece of cloth around your waist like it was going to save your life in a climbing accident, it’s optional.


b. If it has a sticky strip, never, ever stick it straight onto the skin and repeat every few hours for the whole week, it burns.

c. Listen to your Mummy’s, they’re wise, they care about you and I can guarantee they too had periods.

Typical day for my 1980’s periods at home:
Wooahhhhhh, body form, bod…… who turned the tv over? Where’s Dad? Why is he coughing so loudly, is Dad choking????? Why has Dad made a bivouac out of the evening standard and now drinking his tea inside it??? someone please help Dad, I think he dying!!

Typical day for our home now, with our girls:

Dad, please don’t sneeze like that, I’m on my period! Dad, rub my back please I have terrible period pains, Dad my head hurts can you pour me some water and grab me some paracetamol, Dad can I have a cuddle as I’m on my period and feeling really low, darling could you grab me some sanitary towels from Morrison’s on your way home (for as long as he’s been doing this one, we still always get a plethora of makes, models and sizes, it’s like the hospital bag all over again)

Thank you again, Amika, from all us girls…


http://www.tampax.co.uk http://www.always.co.uk http://www.earthwisegirls.co.uk