Hands off my interiors!

Do not touch…

I love my home; it’s where my family are, where we laugh, cry, love, grow and generally cause the chaos I adore. Second to the humans and animals, is my love of creating a beautiful eclectic space, filled with objects and colour that bring joy to my soul! However, there are a few rules when it comes to the interior of the crib:  First and foremost,, don’t ever have an opinion, never EVERRRRR try to suggest an idea, no comments necessary , do not mess with the position of soft furnishings or furniture inside the sacred space. If you dare whisper the words, shall we, should we, what about this colour, Ive bought a; you will be obtaining your one way ticket and hopping aboard the blazing train to the netherworld, Hades will be waiting! 

Now, for some strange sadistic reason, Blu, will Occasionally break these very important rules of the house and even though I become visually comparable to a rabid dog chewing a dishwasher tablet, He still feels the need to purchase and proudly present me with various items for the house! There’s the striped , dog-shite brown door mat in various shades of filthy! Just because its all shades or brown,  it doesn’t complement the beautiful American oak stained floor Blu boy, we’re not hiding out with Bear fucking grills!!! Theres an amazon purchase of PAPER, yes paper, roman blinds. Said blinds are apparently destined for the window of the back door and apparently they are to obscure the view of the nosy neighbours! Now, the only possible way they could ever see into my back door (no pun intended) they would need to fling themselves, head first out of their top window, hang on by their big toe and contort their neck into a position only an owl could be happy with. Also, slightly hypocritical to suggest they would ever want to peer into our kitchen when it’s gadget boy, with the billion X zoom telescope, pointing straight through their upstairs window!!!

http://www.johnlewis.com


It’s Sunday, the decorator is arriving tomorrow and as per every day of our lives together, we’re approximately four weeks behind schedule for everything that has to happen in the next 24 hours !

“I’m off to the store to buy some paint darling, I’ll see you soon!”” Oooh wait Nelly, I’ll tag along with you” ” and me please, Mummy, I can have a go on the new indoor slide” “No my precious family, Mummy only needs paint and I’ll be straight back.” “We’ve got our shoes on already, we may as well tag along”. “Can I bring , Sirius, please Mummy?” “no Sweetie pie, tortoises and not allowed in the DIY store, they eat the plants!”

I can feel the rage festering, like a burning pit of fire in my knackered sigmoid colon and this Stress is a one way sprint straight to a flare up!!!

After arriving at the DIY store, I head straight to the paint, assuming my unwanted passengers are behind me! Where the fuck is he, ” Bluuuuu, Bluuuuuuu”, calling just loud enough to be heard at least two aisles away and I don’t  resemble lost child!!! There wants to be an absolutely outstanding excuse for his disappearance,  A very serious accident, life threatening illness or he’s at the wonderful In-store bakery purchasing one of their home made eclairs! These three excuses will be his only protection – I’ll ring him, 11 calls later I’m now pushing a trolly large enough to carry a small car and I Kid you not, there wasn’t  one bastard fellow shopper willing to tell me it was a ‘pull along’ trolly! No fellow pissed off wives looking for their gadget obsessed, husband, to quietly whisper in my ear “hey you absolute arsehole, you are churning up the perfectly fine, flat, concrete floor pushing that thing around; Also 100% guaranteed to cause serious damage to the last healthy vertebrae in your spine and ruin what’s left of your dignity!!!  ’ PULL’ woman, it says ‘PULL’ right there on the handrail!!!  No one came to my rescue and 27 minutes later, with only one aisle covered, due to the draggy trolly, I decided enough was enough and parked it! I now have freedom and speed on my side and I needed to start covering some ground! Go to the obvious places Nelly, you’ll find him there, girl: BBQ’s, excessively large hand tools,  army knives that have a fully concealed cutlery set, that’s where he’ll be! 

I’m now sweating, there’s a steamy vaporous cloud wafting behind me from the stagnant, cold, sweat my unused pores created whilst trolly shoving, and I know other shoppers are steering well clear of this scarlet faced, raging maniac! As I conquered the corner of aisle eight, ( I’m sure this feeling is similar to that of Junko Tabei when she summited everest) – There he was, the blinkered gadget geek, checking out the latest laser levels! He was pointing, swishing, positioning and correcting with not a care in the world! The only thing you’ll be levelling with that laser pal is your straight line towards the exit of my life!!! Why do you need a laser line my manly husband? Why are you needing to have such expensive straight lines in your life? Is it soooooo important you need a tripod for your super manly laser, which in all honesty could blast satellites clean out of space!!! Apparently, It was forty five trillion pounds, down to a smidge under half price and you never know when these things come in handy! 

Manly stuff
Pizza porn
Not a care in the world!!!!!!

“Is it ironic, Nelly, that the name of the paint you purchased is called “sulking room pink”

Blu thinks it’s hilarious,, suggests I can have it as my very own special pink room – “Ooh what’s wrong with you Nelly? Do you have a temperature? You’re looking very flushed, demonic looking actually! Breathe, Nelly, in and out; in through your nose and out through your mouth. Maybe a paper bag will help?”

This is the colour! Yayyyyyy

After passing out cold from Blu’s suggestion of lime green in the kitchen, I realise one of a few things:

  1. I adore my gadget obsessed infuriatingly laid back hoarder. without his hard work and complete dedication to everything, me, I wouldn’t be able to create my gorgeous home. He has the skills to pay the bills!
  2. He’s shite at interior design but he does pay for the paint…
  3. He’s a dab hand with the ‘power tools’  if you get ma drift 
  4. Who would do the dump run if he wasn’t around???

I don’t have many wise words to end this post with, other than always ‘pull’ when it is clearly marked ‘pull’ , stay calm and breathe, even if you’re boiling brain is about to explode from the unhelpful opinion of others and finally, never, ever let anyone tell you Lime green  is a thing for your walls, other shades of green are available.

Instead I’ll leave you with some nifty tips I apply to help achieve a beautiful home And a space I enjoying living in. 

  • Always have things around, YOU, like to look at. Never keep anything just because its ‘in’ or someone bought it for you. If your Aunty Pamela likes to look at China cherubs from the church bizarre , kindly suggest she puts them in her house for safe keeping. 
  • I like to keep a colour scheme running through the house, keeping smaller rooms lighter to create an illusion of space and adding bolder colours to larger rooms for maximum impact.. Be adventurous and don’t be afraid to experiment. 
  • Mix old with new, be eclectic with your ideas. 
  • Lighting can make or break a room. No girl wants to be sat under a strip light while watching Love island, overdue for a chin wax!!! Lamps, soft lighting, plenty of natural light ( if possible) is a sure way to create a comforting look in all rooms. 
  • If you get bored easily, keep your walls plain and accessorise with prints, texture and colour. When you become bored of last year’s Mexican theme, use those old cushions as ammunition for the whiney neighbours and go treat yourself to some new, fresh soft furnishings with a completely different feel.
  • Create the space for you (maybe include other people in the house if they insist), and no one else!

Paint from http://www.farrow-ball.com

Go to sleep brain!!!!!

Go to sleep brain… 

I know I’m not alone, night time over thinking can turn up unannounced any evening, we all go through it at some point in our lives. Stressed at work, did I pay the bills, have I pooped today, did I go yesterday?  The smallest of dilemmas can literally keep us up for hours with unwanted irrational thoughts. It can feel as though your brain has started a rave Don Diablo would be proud of and you are the only guest!! Wide awake, its 3am , this always feels like I’m ploughing a very lonely furrow. 

A typical night of overthinking:

‘Mmmm, What could my customer Susan have meant when she mentioned she’d just taken Bingo for a walk? Did she mean I don’t take my boys out enough, OMG my poor neglected fur kids, they’ve only had 9 walks today, maybe I’ll take them now, it’s only 3am, I’ll take the rolling pin from the kitchen for protection, oooh and my large bottle of perfume to spray in the attackers eyes, maybe My Sunshine’s electric guitar, that’ll cause some damage. I won’t tie my hair back as pulling ponytails is a proven technique used by predators to administer immobility to 3am dog walkers!!! I’ll wear Lolly’s skateboard shin pads, I could land on my knees! Oh bollox, their leads aren’t in the house, how will I open the garage door without waking the neighbours; I wonder why the neighbours hate me, maybe because ‘Mr. Von Boo’ (dog no2) dug up his new fence post and shat on their new garden chair? Maybe because the blue wheelie bin was thrown into their front garden by the storm exposing the past weeks empty gin bottles, why do I always want to say ‘lady garden every time I say garden pahahahahahaha, stop laughing Nelly, you’ll wake Blu, that’ll be novel as he’s snoring like a wounded warthog right now, I hate you!!!. I’ll take the empties to the tip next week.  no, noooooo, I know why they hate me; 45 Fridays ago, I accidentally opened her amazon parcel, I learnt a lot from that book, shall I wake Blu up and practice some of those positions suggested for the over 40s? No Nelly you’ll wake the kids and scar them for life, why wasn’t she elated I’d kindly taken her parcel in? ‘

Photo by Lukasz Dziegel on Pexels.com

This is just one of the many open tabs in my brain after dark, there’s a superfluity of worries, concerns and stories going on, there’s still the problem of staying alive and saving myself from the inevitable assault by the crazed, repugnant, pie faced assailant waiting around the corner ready to pounce. 

After analysing these concerns, the realisation that it’s now 4am has scared the bejesus out of me and as if by some magical wizardry, in a micro nanosecond, I am now convinced she was merely being polite and chatty, end of.  

‘Ahh, she’s so lovely, she’s my favourite customer, she always keeps to her appointments and is soooo loyal, that girls loyyyyallll.  I wish I was more like her, chatty, witty, you’re too quick with your presumptions Nelly. What a relief I don’t have to leave the safety of the house now. oooh did I put the juice bottles out for Steve the juice man, what if he’s been squeezing, masticating; masticating pahahahaha and up to his eyeballs in vegetable peel all evening just to keep his promise of a delivery, because let’s face it, everyone else could have cancelled on him!  I did, I remember, thank all the gods for that! what if it rains, my foot hurts, oh god it must be cancer! ffs Nelly go to fucking sleep, get the lavender spray, spray it gurl, spray away the worries of the day, ooh sorry Blu, did I wake you??? If you go to sleep now, you’ll have exactly 3hours, 43 minutes and 11 seconds of sleep, well I won’t have the 11 seconds because I’ve been thinking this for at least 9 seconds so I’ll have to knock that time off the final count, now it’s just the 3 hours and 43 minutes, turn the fucking phone off Nelly, don’t look at the time!!! Right that’s it, I’m asleep. ooh I really want to go to the new restaurant that’s opened up the road, it looks really posh, they serve the scummiest gin cocktails I’ve ever seen! wait, it’s way too posh for me, what will I wear? It’s ok, I’ll buy something new tomorrow, but what if I buy something new and Poppy doesn’t like it? maybe I’ll message her now, she can pick the message up in the morning and she’ll advise me on what to wear, but what if she wakes up now? She will definitely smash my face in with her gym shoe!  I won’t message her now, I’ll do it tomorrow. –

*whispers in quietest tiny mouse voice “Alexa play wave sounds” “sorry I don’t understand” SSssshhhhhh you’ll wake the whole fucking house!!! *voice getting louder*Alexaaaaaaa play Waveeeeee, sounds, ‘I’m sorry I don’t have wavy sounds’ fuck, fuck, fuck you Alexa you noisy bitch!!!!!! Sorry darling, Alexa just started shouting, no idea what happened there? go back to sleep my dahhrrling , I can’t sleep but you go back to sleep sweetie Sshhhhhhh, are you asleep, I’m still awake but just shut your eyes my precious boy as you have a very busy manly day tomorrow, I’m quite the busy girl tomorrow too ,but I’m sure I’ll fall asleep eventually, do not worry – How do you do that you narcoleptic bastard, can you hear me, no, oh good?!!!!!! Ooh look it’s 5am!!!!!’ 

I think I’ve possibly got these night time shenanigans under control, although I still have this little rave turn up once or twice per month, generally when its shark week!

  1. Lavender spray/oil definitely works for me. Don’t think Lilly of the valley, think wavy, swishy lavender fields blowing the sleepy scent straight up your schnoz and into your snoozy brain, soothing away the day’s woes.
  • No screen time at least an hour, preferably 2, before bed. screen time is a massive saboteur of our needed shuteye.
  • Chamomile tea is so soothing, a proven sleep inducer and an essential in my cupboard.
  • Exercise is good for the mind, it can help reduce stress which is a common cause of sleep problems. You don’t have to hit the gym; a nice brisk walk will do the trick.
  • Read a book in bed.; this is guaranteed sleep for me. if everything else I’ve tried hasn’t put me into a coma, this works every time.
  • The bedroom is your place of solace, create your peaceful haven of tranquility. Make it a fluffy, schnoozy, peaceful, clutter free space that calms you. . This is your space, make sure it’s amazing…
Lolly’s place

http://www.crownoflifejuices.com

https://uk.lush.com/article/why-does-lavender-make-you-sleepy-lowdown