Uncategorized · womens health

Today I bathed 🧼

Well this might seem

Like an absolutely standard, every day (once a month if you’re a smelly, smell to hide a smell, teen) daily activity, right?
You just sidle up to the bath, de-robe,  dip your toe in, temp is ok, swing the right leg in and the rest will follow; Now, submerge into a lucious warm blanket of rose scented bubbletasticness!
That is not the case if you happen to be suffering with a debilitating illness…

Crohn’s, colitis and one of the, ‘only old people get it’ shitty afflictions, Diverticulitis! I, kids, am blessed with two out of three of said shitty afflictions and It ain’t no party at the place!

So one day I’m thinking wow Nelly, you’re 41 girlfriend and look at you, not the figure and beauty of Godess Hebe, but you are doing alright love.

doing alright Love…

Then, kaboom, I’m in hospital and no one has a clue whether I’m dying, lying or a have bad case of Flatus and all I need to do is let one rip!

I’ve been ill for five days straight and nooooo one has a clue what’s wrong with me!!!  The rather dashing consultant (Actually he’s a flippin academic God from the land of Beauty and brains) starts asking me probing questions and all I can think about is that I may have a bad case of wind here, There may be a toxic airborne event going to happen at any minute and it’ll all be over and I’ll be on my way home. Suffice to say, I heard nothing of the important words he was muttering to me until he said:

 ‘so Nelly, is there bowel cancer in your family’ 

‘Yes Sireee Bob’ yes I actually said that through chattering teeth ‘

‘Has anybody in your family died from this illness’ no Sir Dr , they all lived well into their 100’s until their bowel exploded! Any further questions will only be answered once permission from my ears has been accepted as they have just closed for the day!!!

So for that VERY loooooong night, I’d resigned myself to the fact this was my lot!

I cried for myself, I cried for my children, family and I panicked about who would change the hand towel in the down stairs loo if I wasn’t there! I lay awake that night planning my Joyous funeral full of singing, beautiful eulogy’s and gin, whilst researching how to grow a successful marijuana plantation in Blu’s man cave! I once read about how the ‘erb’ magically Zaps Cancer into tomorrow and alakazam, you’re cured. Thank you Lord, this was all I needed!
I put the funeral plans on hold and went full on design and propagation management googling for the remainder of the night.

The following morning,  with my drawings, graphs and very complex plant lab design laid out on my bed, the consultant arrived with his team of juniors, waddling behind him like a frightened gaggle of nervous ducklings in shiny white coats. 

‘Nelly, I have some good news, and some bad news my dear’ 

In that nano second, I had concluded that he is:

a. an absolute sadist


b. this very sick man, Is the actual ward janitor and hates his job!

Erm well dr, sorry I mean Mr what ever the fuck your name is!!! Could I have the good news first, I’m not sure I can take the suspense!!! 

‘Well Nelly, you ‘ll be delighted to know it’s not Cancer’ 

I couldn’t speak for a minute (this was an absolute first btw) 

what was I going to do with my pot plantation??? 

All that planning!

‘So Dr Sadomasochistic , what is wrong with me’?? Hit me with it as the suspense is literally killing me!

‘Well Nelly, the bad news is you have Diverticulitis and it’s quite prolific’ 

I had to have a think for a minute? Did he just tell me I have a diving condition and I caught it in the Pacific??? I’ve never been diving? 

I went snorkelling in Egypt last year and went deeper than my snorkel allowed and choked a bit?!?!? OMG, I’ve got air bubbles in my lungs and they’ve travelled to my fricking bowel!!! it’s going to explode any minute, this obviously explains the sheer panic on the juniors faces !!! 

So I’m still going to die and I won’t even have an excuse to plant my pot!!! 

After the nurse wrestled me to the bed and gave me something to ease my panic, it became clear that I have In fact, landed myself with a type of bowel disease that can and will render me unwell at very inconvenient intervals in my life from here on out! 

He did fail to mention that my business partner would get quite cheesed off with my occasional awol episodes and would Lead to the crumble six years ahead of my diagnosis. Couldn’t really blame her, she didn’t sign up to my illness, neither did I though! My family life will be disrupted, I’d spend days/weeks in hospital, Blu would become an on call carer and very bad hairdresser and things would never be the same again! 

An attack for me can be as mild as a fart preparing for an anal salute to severe enough for an ambulance being the only option to keep me from pain far too much to bare and the possibility of a very poorly Nelly.

This wasn’t part of the plan God???

Who’s decision was this? This is obviously a mistake and I’d like my Old life back now please!!! 

Although we are all going through the most horrendous, sad, difficult, worrying of times right now, we still need to remind ourselves of what we have and feel blessed for every day we are given. There will always be someone, somewhere far worse off than we are, keeping strong and fighting back. Life can and will throw us all curve balls, we just have to learn to adapt, make the most of every situation and opportunity we are given. 

Physical pain we sometimes can’t control, but what we learn from that pain is the most important lesson we can take from it, as this is when we become IN-control.

Stay safe, Stay strong and keep fighting you beautiful people.

Love Nelly 

What I do during a flare up:

  1. Sleep, my body needs to repare
  2. Liquid diet for 2/3 days – water, broth, juice.
  3. Low fibre foods on day 4/5 
  4. Heat packs and paracetamol (never any anti inflammatories)
  5. Message my friends for support, never be afraid to do this, we need to not feel alone.
  6. Accept help, it’s ok.
  7. Plan what you might do when you’re well.
  8. Don’t rush recovery, it’ll only put you back. 
  9. Most important, always seek medical help and correct medication if your symptoms aren’t relieved with these steps.

 Www.mayoclinic.org is a great source of information 

NHS 111 (UK) for medical advice

Slippery elm helps me after an attack to ease me back into a normal eating. 
I like this one



Theres never a bad idea…

I recently noticed these beauties outside our local supermarket!

Yes kids, open air washing machines are a thing!!! Now, these may not be a new thing to hard core truckers driving across Europe with their smelly smalls, but for me, this looked like the most ridiculously, unnecessary concept I’d ever seen!!! I felt sadness towards whoever had this genius light bulb moment of an idea; because soon, very soon they were going to realise that their new venture has cost them their life savings and self-respect quite frankly!

 “Look at those darling, who on earth is going to stand in the wind and rain, possibly a monsoon (as let’s face it we do live in the unpredictable climate that is the UK) to take part in that popular outdoor activity of ‘the weeks washing’??? Why do we need these in our lives???” I was quite hysterical when I laid eyes on them! “Why, Blu, pahahaha, who’s going to use them, stand outside in all weathers washing their Alan wickers in the rain? I shall laugh and heckle anyone I see using them because they’re ridiculous!!! Anyhoo, that won’t happen as no one will ever use them, ever” Gadget boy thought it was quite a snazzy, practical idea and didn’t see the problem with these gizmo gadget beauties… 

Zoom forward four weeks, plus the demolition of my kitchen, and yes that is my smelly washing flying around that large silver drum, on show, in public, for all to see!

What a fantastic idea Blu boy, I knew they’d take off, hey Mum guess where I am, Poppy fancy meeting for a coffee at washtastic! I’m quite enjoying my new hangout, I’ve even convinced Blu to delay plumbing in the new washing machine; quite frankly, shoving a whole week’s filth into ‘Kola the Borehole’ is a darn sight easier than the everyday drudge I usually get involved in!

As with most things ‘Nelly’ there is a slight anxiety about washday; It can get quite competitive and the sprint for a free machine can be serious business. 

Wash day is upon me, I load the washing into ‘mega bag’ and head off on my merry way. Feelings of joy in my heart as I drive toward the selfless act that is about to be performed for all of the Nelly brood! As I turn into the roundabout, I spot another potential washee with what looks like the weekly wash in his car!!!! Pedal to the metal Nelly, there’s no stopping me “MOOOOOOVE, I DON’T CARE THAT IT’S A CROSSING, OR THAT YOURE LEG IS IN PLASTER” Keeping the other potential washee within my sight, panic sets in; what if I can’t get pole position? The parking space in front of the machine is the only one close enough, otherwise I’ll have to endure the flip flop sprint, there’s no telling what might fall out of that washing bag! 

Ok Nelly, scan for a space, scanning, scanning, that’ll have to do, it’s only a 30 second dash! Run Nelly, leave the flip flop, go back for it once you’ve secured your machine, oh fuck, why didn’t you put a bra on Nelly you unprepared bastard, just keep running!!! Now running, minus a flip flop, the girls are bouncing free and I don’t think I can run any longer!  Ten seconds in, running with a week’s worth of washing and the athlete that lives inside my body, hasn’t shown up!!! I slow my pace to a fast walk which is visually akin to a duck on speed! I’m not a winner in life per se but today I’m definitely on a winning streak. 

I load the machines, feeling very smug and Once I’d finally landed a parking space right outside the machine, my life was complete.

As much as I love these fab spinney drums of cleanliness, I would prefer to stay incognito. What if I see Penelope from the gym! She will forever refer to me as ‘washtastic girl’

Oh, sweet Jesus, it’s Dr Spoonk!!! What the fresh hell is he doing grocery shopping, Doctors don’t shop, they live in the surgery and people bring them food!!! We were only discussing my knackered bowel yesterday, what if he thinks I’ve had a terrible, messy accident??? Holy shit balls, the neighbours, fuck off, fuck off!!! Duck, Nelly, get in the Ikea bag!!!! They’ll hate me even more now, they’re already of the opinion that I’m a weird, gin guzzling, hippy who prefers to camp in the garden using the house as a cover for my pot plant empire – hang on, I am a gin guzzling hippy??? 

It’s never, ever too late to go for it! There is never a bad idea in life if you truly believe in it. I’ve had a bazillion ideas, inventions, business startups; some worked, and some fell flat onto their proverbial faces, but I never quit, I never gave up! Even when it feels like the whole world is against me, and anxiety is dealing me a rather shitty hand that day, I know tomorrow is a fresh new day.

 Never let anyone tell, you, that your ideas, plans, hopes and dreams are foolish or worthless; If alfresco washing machines were just a dream, I wouldn’t have my hour per week to sit and contemplate life, write, or watch passersby staring quizzically at my underwear floating around; that’s the best bit! Someone had the idea, people laughed, but they went for it and look who’s laughing now!

Love Nelly.